Poetry - "The Unspoken Word"

"The Unspoken Word"

So much to be said
but not enough words to use,
and no one to listen.
Ultimately, we all feel that way.
Do we find the words to speak?
Or do we keep them safely locked away
deep within the solitude
of our bursting heart?

-2009-
written by me.

Poetry - "Jukebox Heart"

"Jukebox Heart"

I often feel that my jukebox filled heart
can't even begin to let all the music out.
The melodies and lyrics
are always bursting at the seams;
Pursuing all my musical dreams.


-2009-
written by me.

Fragility

Sometimes all it takes is one conversation - or more importantly, one sentence out of that conversation - to remind us how fragile life truly is.

One of my family members needed an emergency MRI last week and while my mom and I were talking about how difficult MRI's can be for some people, she mentioned my Dad.

After working for the construction company Kraus-Anderson for 30+ years, my Dad is now retired. We were always lucky, because he never had any bad accidents as carpenters often do. But all of that changed one day in the early/mid-80's.

My mom and I were going to my Grandma's house for a birthday party and my dad was going to meet us there later on (was working on a weekend job; they had a deadline). Almost as soon as we pulled into her driveway, my Aunt came running out yelling, "You need to get to the hospital! Jim's been in an accident!" That was the only information we were given. Our minds were racing while driving to the hospital, which seemed to take forever.

When we finally got to the hospital, we were met several of my Dad's co-workers. I knew then it was serious. Their expressions said it all.

He was down in a hole at the work site, when suddenly a thousand ton steel pole broke and came crashing down on him. Unable to escape, he was hit sideways; his face taking the blunt of it all. The entire side of his face was crushed. It was amazing even more damage wasn't done. He was extremely lucky to be alive.

As we approched his room, the Doctor explained he would be going in for surgery to have metal plates put in his face, where all the bone was crushed. I'll always remember when I saw my Dad in that hospital bed. He was all hooked up to different machines, the side of his face all swollen, horribly black and blue and bandaged up; with stitches above his eyes. He looked so helpless and so weak; it scared me. It was very strange for me to be on the opposite side of the hospital bed.

Over 20 years later, my dad is doing just fine. Every now and then the damp weather will make his face hurt, but other than that, he healed perfectly. Looking back, I realize just how close I came to being without a father. Our loved ones can be gone in an instant.

You may be asking, what does this have to do with an MRI and why can't my Dad ever have one? Well, I'll just say this: An MRI is basically like a magnet to your body and he has metal in his face. Enough said.

Poetry - "Salvation"

"Salvation"

Rescue the words
that are swimming within.
Are they too deep to grasp
or in shallow waters easy to obtain.

Gasping for air;
Will you dive into the unknown depth
or let them drown.

The water is cold on the body,
but the heart is warm;
giving strength and hope.

You taste the saltiness on your lips
And allow the tide to carry you in,
Giving it all to Him.

Trust is suddenly put into the ocean
you once feared.
You feel your cavity being filled with water,
as you finally allow your heart to love.

-2008-
written by me.

Poetry - "Fallen Whispers"

"Fallen Whispers"

See the beauty in the trees.
As the leaves fall,
I think of you.
All the brilliant colors
shimmering from the morning dew.
So refreshing.
The beginning of a new day is here.
I watch the birds fly away
and reailze how content and happy I feel,
knowing that you are now a part of my life.
And as I pick up a fallen leaf from the ground,
I smile.
And I am thankful.

-2002-
written by me.

Poetry - "Praise"

"Praise"

Looking through
the stained glass window,
colors are beaming from the sunlight
and bouncing off my cheeks.
The warmth embraces me,
as I am surrounded in silence
and an overwhelming calmness.
I am not alone.
My eyes glance upward,
towards the sky
and I know that I am blessed;
for You are with me always.
A weightless sensation succumbs me
and my tribulations have vanished.
And while I look through
the stained glass window,
my heart is filled with gladness.
For I am finally at peace
and I thank You.

-2003-
written by me.

Poetry - "Connection"

"Connection"

In dire need
The heart retreats
Into the palm
That is your hand.

A steadfast grasp
A squeeze so tight
And never once
Will you let go.

With deep conviction
In the eyes
You look inside
and see your soul.

The smile speaks
What lips cannot
The voice is heard
Within your touch.

For what you see
It is the soul,
connecting to another.
The grace and beauty of it all,
Life's greatest mystery.

-2007-
written by me.

Perspectives of Life With Cerebral Palsy

Early last year, I was asked by a friend from high school if I would be interested in being interviewed for her college paper about people with disabilities. It didn't take long for me to think about it, because I actually enjoy talking about it. I believe it's important to educate people, especially about Cerebral Palsy and the misconceptions that tend to surround the disability.

When I was first given a copy of this paper, I shared it with only a select few very close friends. I have since decided to post it in a blog, to share it with whomever would like to learn more about me.

I am also going to include a poem I wrote in 2007 about life with Cerebral Palsy. I thought it would be nice to post that poem along with it. That way, you'll get to learn more about me from two different perspectives.

Thank you everyone for allowing me to share my life and for being interested in it. I appreciate you taking the time to read my blogs and getting to know me a bit more. If anyone has any questions for me regarding CP, feel free to ask and I will answer them as best I can.

By the way, she got an A on the paper lol.

-------

I conducted an interview with Tamara Cross at Starbucks coffee house in Faribault, Minnesota on Monday, February 18th, 2008. I went to high school with Tamara. She graduated the year ahead of me. Tamara is 4'11". She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She is 33 years old and is a friend of a friend. Looking at her waiting for her drink at the counter at Starbucks, I could not tell that anything was wrong with her. I told her that and she said, "That is the highest compliment that you can give a disabled person: telling them that you didn't know anything was wrong with them." When she walked to the table, I could see that her walking was unbalanced, but it looked like she was a baby taking her first steps. It did not look as though she was disabled. Her legs were not turned in at all like I expected in a disabled person.

Tamara has cerebral palsy. She was born at a weight of 2 pounds, 4 ounces with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. She was not breathing when she was born. When the doctor did get her breathing, she had bronchitis and pneumonia and had to be in an incubator for 3 months; where she lost weight and was just over a pound. Her parents did not know that something was wrong until she started walking. She would hang on to things to get up and she would always walk on her toes. Her parents took her to see many doctors to try to see why she was walking so funny. The doctors kept telling her parents that she was mentally retarded. Her parents kept telling the doctors, "No. There does not seem to be that wrong with her. It seems to be in her legs." It was finally at Mayo Clinic when she was a little more than a year old that a surgeon final said that it was cerebral palsy.

Tamara has had a total of nine operations in her life to try to get her walking corrected. Her first operation was when she was three years old, the last when she was 15. She has had surgeries inside of her ankles, two were done behind the knees and then a hip surgery when she was ten years old to put metal plates on both side of her hips that left her in a body cast from her feet going all the way up her legs and torso. Those plates were later removed at the age of 15.

Tamara does not feel that she has experienced any discrimination in employment. She worked at JC Penney in Faribault for a year when she was in high school in the Children's Department. She enjoyed the job, but she got stress fractures on her feet from standing up so much. That was painful for her and she found out that she really cannot do jobs which require prolonged standing. She went to college for Radio Broadcasting and had a job as a radio announcer at KRUE 92 in Waseca for four years before being laid off. Then she worked at Rust Consulting doing customer service for four and a half years before being laid off from there as well.

Tamara does not need assistance with daily living activities or on the job. The only assistance she needs on the job is that it must be a "sit down" job, so that she does not have to stand up and put any pressure on her feet or legs. But even then, she needs to get up and walk around often, otherwise her feet and ankels get swollen. She had a blood clot in her leg while working at Rust Consulting, due to prolonged sitting. She does have her mom come over to her apartment once a week to help her with her laundry because she cannot carry and walk with the laundry baskets. Her mom also goes grocery shopping with her, to help her lift the grocery bags. When she goes to the Mall of America, she will go with friends and get a wheel chair, so that she doesn't have to walk the mall. She does have a car and drives herself. She is a very able person.

Tamara did not know what to say when asked "How do you think your disability has impacted your family members?" She said that her parents just kept taking her to doctors to see what was wrong and see what needed to be done for her. She thinks their attitude was, "This is our little girl and we're going to do whatever we need to for her." She is an only child and the light of her parents' eyes.

Getting around in high school was difficult for Tamara. Our school was two stories and there wasn't an elevator, so Tamara had a hard time getting up and down the stairs to get to classes. However, her teachers would let her out of class early so that she could start the climb up to the second floor for her next class. She did not need to use the learning center. She was a good student. Her disability is only physical; she doesn't have any learning disabilities.

Tamara has been teased because of her disability. She said that it has not been by people that she knows; but people talk about her in front of her. Kids will point and stare. It is hurtful for her. She does not mind questions, so she prefers that they ask her about it.

When asked, "How do you feel about being a person with a disability?" Tamara said she wouldn't change a thing. She likes who she is, disability and all.

I felt that the interview experience was great. I was very nervous before it started, but I am glad I did it. I like to hear other people's stories. I like to see how they got to where they are today and what made them who they are today.

I noticed that Tamara did say some of the same things that have been said in the videotapes in class. She wants to live a normal, independent life, like everyone. She wants to be accepted for herself, not as a person with a disability but as a person, period.

"I Have"

Have you ever asked someone
if it hurts when they run?
If their legs get tired,
simply from walking a short distance?
I have.
Have you ever had to explain to someone
the difference between the words:
Disability and Handicapped,
and to find out they didn't realize there was a difference?
I have.
Life's a funny thing sometimes.
Children can be cruel.
Laughing, staring, pointing;
anything to bring attention.
But you handle it.
Adults are most often worse.
Life's a funny thing sometimes.
They should know better.
Be more educated,
more mature.
But you handle it.
You learn to live with it.
Second nature.
Have you ever have to see your parents
crying in the distance,
as they watch you being wheeled into your
"second home"?
AKA the operating room.
The feeling of being scared,
but yet having to be strong for them
and for yourself?
Afterall, after nine operations
You'd think you'd be a pro.
I have.
Second nature.
It's amazing how one's life can change and often improve,
thanks to another's training and magical hands.
Being used to the inability to stand up straight
or walk "normal",
and suddenly, you're "ok".
At least, in your mind.
Never take physical ability for granted.
Some 32 year olds have no idea what the feeling is like,
to run like the wind.
To jump.
To ride a bike.
To sit Indian style while looking through photo albums on the livingroom floor.
Would you handle it?
Could you handle it?
How do I handle it?
It's second nature.
Would I change it?
Never.
It's all I know, it's who I am.
It's normal... to me.
It's living with my "disability".

-2007-
written by me.

Three More Angels in Heaven

They always say everything happens in three's.

Last week was sad in the world of "icons" when we lost some very special people. First Ed McMahon, then Farrah and finally Michael. Whether you were a fan of theirs or not, it cannot be disputed that each were (and will continue to be) icons in their own right.

I will admit, I was not a "big" Ed McMahon fan; and I didn't know a lot about him, other than what was shown on tv (being Johnny's side-kick, hosting Star Search, co-hosting the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon and the commercials he and Dick Clark did for Publisher's Clearing House). That being said, I still realize and appreciate what he did for the entertainment business. Since his death, I've learned more about him and unfortunately, I think the most important thing he did with his life, will be overlooked; and that is all the military duties he performed prior to being in the public eye. The world not only lost an asset to the entertainment industry, but most importantly, a decorated millitarian who fought for his country during WWII. We should all be grateful.

Farrah Fawcett. I always liked her. She was my second favorite 'Angel' and I even had that infamous poster when I was younger (years after it was originally released). Even though she will always be most remembered for "Charlie's Angels", I will always remember her from "The Burning Bed". Her performance in that film was so moving and intense for me, it left a permanent impact on my life. I didn't see her as just an actor. I saw her as someone who spoke for domestic violence. She brought it to life and made people stand up and pay attention. During the last 2 years of her life, Farrah became the "face" of cancer, in a sense. She showed people that even when facing fear and uncertainty, you can be strong. She may have essentially lost the fight against cancer, but she won against fear and I hope for that, she will always be remembered. You truly are an Angel now, Farrah.

One of the first "pin-ups" I ever had on my wall back in 1984, was Michael Jackson. Well, there were four people actually: Olivia Newton-John (no surprise there, right? lol), Ralph Macchio (The Karate Kid), Madonna and Michael. I'll always remember what each of them looked like and Michael's was the one of him in the pastel yellow shirt with a white vest. That was the Michael I was a fan of; from the 70's and 80's, before all the plastic surgery and well, weirdness took over. Since his very unexpected death on Thursday, I have found myself SO utterly disappointed in people. No one truly knows what happened in his private life, except those involved and none of us lived his life. Therefore, no one has a right to be so expressive in saying such tasteless and tacky things about him. Do not judge. Regardless if you are a fan of his or not, you can not ignore the tremendous impact he had on the musical community. Without him, so many of the performers we know and love today, would probably not even be here, had he not inspired them. May Michael be remembered for his immense talent and the profound impact he made on music; not the controversy that surrounded his life.

On a side note: The first cassette's I ever bought with my own money were Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" and The Jacksons' "Victory", back in 1984. (FYI - My favorite song on the "Victory" album was and still is, "State of Shock" - which is a duet by MJ and Mick Jagger. The only part I didn't like, was Mick's corney suduction by saying "Look at me" at the end lol ) My parents and I went to K-Mart. They had to push me in a wheelchair, because I just had hip surgery that summer and was still healing. All the "Best Selling" cassette's were in a glass case. I remember being very excited to finally some music I bought myself lol. :)

Thank you Ed, Farrah and Michael for touching our lives the only way each of you knew how. You will all be greatly missed.

Oh, Dulcimer...

My parents are BIG bluegrass/old time country fans; always have been. They're both retired now and love taking trips to various bluegrass music festivals. One of their favorite festivals is in Arkansas, which they've been attending for about 5-6 years now. They pack up the camper and drive to spend the month of April (and into half of May) in Arkansas.

While there, they pick up lots of new hobbies, new games to play, etc. During their last trip, my mom called and told me she was learning something new: a dulcimer. I never knew much about it, other than it's a stringed instrument. It's kind of like (but not really lol) a guitar, except for the fact that you lay it across your lap (or place it on a tabletop) and it has 4 strings.

My mom was all excited about it and couldn't wait to play it for me when they got home. It was fun to hear the excitement in her voice, although I was curious how long it would last, since she's notorious for giving up quick. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see when they came home, that she actually was practicing regularly and was doing well!

Now, I am not a bluegrass fan; but even so, I was intrigued by the instrument (especially after I learned that Cyndi Lauper plays it) and wanted to see if I could. I thought maybe my years of piano playing would come in handy (regardless of how rusty I am now, due to lack of piano 'disipline' these days). I guess it did (either that, or it was just beginners luck - HA), because before I knew it, my mom was complaining that I was doing better in 15 minutes, than she was in one month.

Fast foward to this past Sunday, Father's Day. I asked if my mom was still practicing the dulcimer and my dad answered, "Yes" (in a tone that said, "Unfortunately yes she does"). So, I asked if she'd want to bring it out and play for me. I could tell right away that she is taking it seriously (doesn't hurt that the dulcimer was expensive, so I'm sure that's an extra "push" for her to use it) and really is enjoying it. So, I took out my camera and started filming. She's doing really well!

Then it was my turn. My mom prefers to play it the traditional way, on the lap. I, on the other hand, prefer tabletop. It became obvious almost immediately, that I really did have "beginners luck" that first time around, because it definitely wasn't working for me this time around. Do I have a video of this? Of course: Take one and Take two. In my defense, I haven't sat down with it since the very first time I played it last month and also, the piano is my instrument of choice. Not that I'd really do any better at the piano these days, but I'm just sayin'.

I think I'll stick with the piano and leave the dulcimer to the pros.

Life Is A Song, Love Is The Music

The following are a very small handful of songs that have special meaning to me and/or I associate with special memories - be it through the melody, the lyrics, etc; and I'd like to share some of them with all of you now. These songs are young and old; and not surprisingly, include a lot of Olivia Newton-John lol. For some, I have a favorite lyric; and for others, it's the song as a whole.

I always have felt that music is a perfect way to get to know someone; a way to learn what makes them 'tick'. I hope this gives you a little insight into who I am, in the way that only music can.

(ps: My dear friend Chad was the inspiration behind this… and these songs are in no particular order.)

Song: "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister
Why this song is special to me: Growing up and having several operations on my legs, I needed to do a lot of at home physical therapy. One of them included stretching my muscles for a certain amount of time. My dad made a "box" for me, so I could stretch both legs at the same time while standing. It had a place to put my feet and was completely open in the back, with straps to hold me in and keep my legs from bending. (It was a lot more comfortable then it sounds lol) Many times I'd ask to have it in my room, so that I could listen to the radio. And almost every time, "Broken Wings" came on. The song just really put me in a zone and I'd find myself singing along all the time, taking my mind off what I was doing.
Favorite lyric: "Take these broken wings and learn to fly again, learn to live so free. When we hear the voices sing, the book of love will open up and let us in."

Song: "Don't Stop Believin'" by Olivia Newton-John
Why this song is special to me: Yes, this is an ONJ song and of course, that in itself is obvious as to why it's special. Once again, it goes back to when I was younger and needed to have operations. My Uncle, who is a huge ONJ fan and is the person 'responsible' for introducing me to her music, would make a mix tape of various songs (mostly Olivia) for me whenever I needed an operation. She would soothe me, comfort me and keep me focused - even at that young age. To this day, I can remember every song on that tape and this was the first on side A.
Favorite Lyrics: But on those days when nobody wants to know you. And all your smiles keep falling on stoney ground. Don't stop believin', don't stop believin'. Don't stop believin', you'll get by. Bad days, bad days will hurry by

Song: "Angel Eyes" by The Jeff Healy Band
Why this song is special to me: My Uncle was a drummer in a local rock/cover band in the early 80's called The Eclipse. This was the song he sang solo on. Whenever I hear it, I think of him.

Song: "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
Why this song is special to me: Everything behind this song is special to me., from the melody to the lyrics. It speaks to me on an emotional level.

Song: "I'll Be There" by Jackson 5
Why this song is special to me: New Kids on the Block sang this on the UCP Telethon back in 1989 and because of that, the song will always have a very special place in my heart. It makes me tear up, every time I hear it.
Favorite lyric: "Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter. Togetherness is all I'm after. Whenever you need me, I'll be there…"

Song: "The Impossible Dream" covered by Luther Vandross
Why this song is special to me: I feel as if this song could be my life's soundtrack. It speaks to me on many different levels.
Favorite lyric: "…that one man, scorned and covered with scars still strove with his last ounce of courage, to reach the unreachable star."

Song: "She Moves Me" by 24E
Why this song is special to me: The moment I heard the music and listened to the lyrics, I was immediately hooked. I knew I had just been introduced to something extremely special. Little did I know just how special these guys would be to me, that they'd impact my life so profoundly and would soon become my extended family.
Favorite lyric: "Illumination flies through the sky, my destination is her design."

Song: "Serenity" by Olivia Newton-John
Why this song is special to me: This song, which is based on the "Serenity Prayer", helped me through something very traumatic that happened a few years ago. It offered me strength and hope.

Song: "Instrument of Peace" by Olivia Newton-John
Why this song is special to me: This song, based on the St. Francis of Assisi prayer, helped me through a very difficult time for me and my family in 2006 when my Grandma was very sick and then passed away.

Song: "Single" by New Kids on the Block
Why this song is special to me: This is the NKOTB 2008 reunion song for me… the year that my 20 year dream came true.
Favorite Lyric: "Let my song get you higher, we never have to come back down."

Song: "High Hopes" by Frank Sinatra
Why this song is special to me: My Grandpa Ennis was a big Frank Sinatra fan (as well as Louis Armstrong and Sammy Davis Jr; all of whom are favorites of mine too) and he used to sing this song to me as a kid. He passed away when I was 11 years old.

Song: "Hear Me In The Harmony" by Harry Connick Jr.
Why this song is special to me: My Aunt Jane was a big Harry Connick Jr. fan and in turn, rubbed off on me. This was a favorite of hers. She has since passed away, but this song always makes me think of her.
Favorite lyric: "…but it's really hard to sing when nobody hears your song. Just close your eyes, you can hear me in the harmony."

Song: "I Can't" by Deborah Gibson
Why this song is special to me: To me, this song showcases Deborah's talents in a way many of her previous songs have not, both lyrically and meloically. It makes me proud to be a fan.
Favorite lyric: "You're the drink that makes me thirsty, but I crave you just the same."

Song: "Finale B" from the Rent Soundtrack
Why this song is special to me: Everything about this musical and this song in particular touched my life very deeply. Therefore, I cannot pick a favorite lyric.

Song: "Love Song" by Joe McIntyre
Why this song is special to me: It is simply a hauntingly beautiful love song.
Favorite lyric: "I lean on the razor and I bleed on the paper, but I'm still getting all the words wrong."

Song: "Here I Am Lord" (Artist unknown)
Why this song is special to me: This was my Grandma Ennis' favorite song to sing in church and I often find myself singing it (including right now as I type this). The melody is so simple, yet beautiful; as is the song as a whole. It always calms me, both in singing it and most importantly, as a reminder that God is always here.

Song: "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe
Why this song is special to me: In 2006, when my Grandma Ennis' health was failing and she was very near the end, my cousin Jay took out his guitar and sang this to her, as we were all gathered around the hospital bed. Even though she could not speak by that point and the morphene had taken over, we all knew she was listening. The tear that was coming from the corner of her eye, shown us that. Two hours later, she passed away. He also performed that song at her funeral. To this day, I cry every time I hear the song.

Song: "The Prodigal (I'll Be Waiting)" by Amy Grant
Why this song is special to me: If you listen to the song and you will understand..

Song: "Lullaby In Blue" by Bette Midler
Why this song is special to me: This is a song about a woman who gave her child up for adoption and from "her" point of view.
Favorite lyric: The whole song touches me profoundly for very obvious reasons, but this lyric has always stuck out to me: "On your birthday, Mama's thinking of you, the child I never knew".

Song: "God's Will" by Martina McBride
Why this song is special to me: It is about a boy with a disability, who is brought into a loving foster home. It obviously hits me on a very personal level.
Favorite lyric: "In crayon red on notebook paper he'd written me and God love you".

Those are just a sample of some of the songs that have touched me and left an impression on my heart and life, in one way or another. I'd love to know what songs have made an impact on your life.

Always remember... Life is a Song, Love is the Music.

My Brother - The News Anchor & Reporter

My brother James (we call him Jamie), has been a news anchor and reporter for a few years now; his first job was in Binghamton, New York. For the past couple years, he is now working in KHAS-TV in Nebraska as part of the News 5 at 6 and 10 team.

Being the proud big sister that I am, I always like to share anything and everything I can, regarding his blossoming career. Recently he has updated his resume and I would love for you to check it out. Go here to read it and be sure to click on "View Demo" to watch Jamie in action.

Here is his bio from KHAS-TV:

James Wilcox started at KHAS TV in June of 2007 as co-anchor of the 6:00 and 10:00 o’clock news. A Minnesota native, James’ television career began when he was just 16. His first job was as a production assistant, working behind the scenes at his local TV station.

After high school, he attended college at St. Cloud State University, graduating with a degree in mass communications.

During college he anchored and reported at SCSU’s cable TV Station UTVS. He also did on-air work and internships at television stations across Minnesota, including St. Cloud, Austin, Rochester, and Minneapolis.

Following college, James spent two years working as a morning anchor and reporter for a CBS affiliate in Upstate New York. While on the East Coast he interviewed many prominent politicians, including New York Senator and former first lady Hillary Clinton.

He also witnessed and reported on one of the largest natural disasters to ever hit the area. Severe flooding swept through the Twin Tiers of New York and Pennsylvania, leaving hundreds homeless and millions of dollars in damage. “It was heartbreaking to see the damage,” James says. “But the disaster also brought out the best in people. It was amazing to see the community overcome the destruction and move on with such spirit and hope.”

James joins the News 5 team as an award winning journalist. In June of 2007 he was recognized by the New York State Associated Press for general excellence in reporting. And in 2005 he received a national Telly Award for his work hosting and producing a show encouraging college students to vote.

James says he loves his job because each day brings something different. For him there is never a dull moment. He also likes being in the position to be a voice for the community. He loves meeting people and sharing their stories.

Moving to the Heartland has given James a new viewpoint as well as one that hearkens back to his youth. “I am excited to continue my career in Central Nebraska,” he says. “It is great to be a part of a community with such friendly people. I grew up in a rural area, so I know what issues are important to the people here.”

JAMES' FAVORITE MOVIE: The Goonies
JAMES' FAVORITE BOOK & AUTHOR: Dispatches from the Edge by Anderson Cooper
JAMES' MOST-ADMIRED JOURNALIST: Diane Sawyer & Shepard Smith
JAMES' ALL TIME FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOWS:
1. The News
2. Brothers & Sisters
3. Entourage
4. Six Feet Under
5. Dexter

Olivia Newton-John: Her Inspiration To Me & Our Meeting

It all started when I was 6 years old. My Uncle is actually the one who introduced me to her, her music and movies. When I was a little kid visiting my Grandparents, I would go upstairs to his room and sit on the floor listening to all his vinyl records with these big ass headphones on (I have that photo somewhere; I desparately need to find it). Among the records were Sheena Easton and Olivia Newton-John. The moment I heard Olivia's voice, I was immediately in love. I honestly can't even put into words the effect she had on me. He had a poster of her up on his wall (which he gave me many years later and it's now proudly framed and hanging in my bedroom); an original poster from 1974. I would sit and stare at the poster thinking how pretty she was, while being swept away by her voice. Soon there after, I was introduced to Grease (which I know every single word to lol - it's my most favorite movie EVER) and Xanadu. I didn't realize what vital role she would play in my life as a child and still today.

I have Cerebral Palsy. It's only in my legs. Thankfully, I'm able to walk and get around just fine without any kind of assistance. The only time I need to use a wheelchair, is when there is excessive walking and/or standing involved. I've had 9 operations on my legs throughout my life; the first when I was 3 and the last when I was 15 (although, I don't remember my very first one). Whenever I needed to have an operation, my Uncle Vern would make me a cassette tape filled with all my favorite Olivia songs, so that I could listen to it on the long drive to Rochester (MN); which is approx a 1 1/2 hours south of where I live. I would listen to her on the drive down, I'd listen to her the night before trying to calm my nerves. I'd listen to her the morning of the surgery. I'd listen to her during my physical therapy. Every moment I had, I would listen to her. And if I couldn't listen to her music, then I would watch Grease, Xanadu or her 1982 Physical Tour VHS tape of my Uncle's (which incidently, my cousin Danielle and I wore out because we played it so much, so when I was 16, he bought me my own copy). It was Olivia that would keep me calm. She would keep me sane, be my company and give me strength. I remember when my mom and I would be in my bedroom doing my at home physical therapy. I would be laying on the floor and I would just stare at the pictures I had of her on my wall and I'd always say to my mom, "Someday I'm going to meet her, so I can tell her thank you for everything she's done for me". It took 21 years, but it finally happened on September 14th, 2001.

My cousin DeeAnn and I had been to a few Olivia concerts together. She's a huge Olivia fan too (and is Danielle's older sister) and obviously she knew how important it was for me to meet Olivia. That year, we drove to Wisconsin to see her and I knew that if I was ever going to meet her, this was going to be it. I had come close about 3 times from the late 80's till 2001, but it would be taken away just as quickly. So I knew it was basically now or never and DeeAnn was determined to make it happen.

When we got to the theater (which was SOLD OUT - we had 11th row) and to our seats, DeeAnn told me to stay put and that she was going to try talking to some people. I had no idea what she was going to say or who she was going to talk to, but I knew she was on a mission. Once she gets started on something, there is no stopping her. I watched her walk up the asile and saw her immediately talking to an usher and then they went walking up the asile and out of the showroom. It was about 15 minutes later when she finally came back. She was oddly quiet, but had this funny grin on her face. She sat down next to me and got comfortable, not saying a word. I just stared at her thinking, "Um, HELLO!?". She then leaned in and whispered "I just talked to her tour manager and at the end of the show, we are supposed to wait until the crowd empties and then head over to the side door over there. You're going to meet her." I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. She didn't have time to tell me how she did it, because the show was just about to start and let me tell ya, that was the weirdest feeling. As much as I couldn't wait for her to get onstage and not have the show end; I also couldn't wait for it to be over, so we could walk over to that side door!!

When the show ended (she puts on an AMAZING 2 hour show, btw), DeeAnn and I waited for the crowd to empty and during that time she started to explain what happened. Basically, she just talked to anyone she could, who looked official and who dealt with the theater. The entire time, she told them about her "cousin who has Cerebral Palsy and it's been her dream since she was 6 years old to meet her", which eventually lead her to Olivia's tour manager. DeeAnn then told me that she had to kind of embelish with my CP a bit and told them that I can walk, but that I need to hang on to her for assistance. I said, "That won't be embelishing! My legs are going to be like jello, so I'll need to hang on to you!!". Finally we slowly made our way over to the small crowd of fans that had gathered. Most were contest winners who obviously knew they would be meeting her. They had backstage passes around their necks, flowers, gift bags, etc. Thankfully I brought my most special Olivia CD for her to sign (I brought it with me to every Olivia concert, just in case), called "Gaia - One Woman's Journey". Suddenly, this MASSIVELY HUGE man came out and said "Anyone who doesn't have a backstage pass, must leave now" and he immediately looked at us. I thought, "NOOOOOOO!!!!" I was terrified. DeeAnn was just about to start explaining the situation, when her tour manager came running out and said, "They're fine! I've given them my personal authorization". PHEW! I just smiled at the man and nodded and he smiled and winked back.

Soon it was time to go into the backstage area. There was probably about 30 people total, waiting to see her. We were told that the meeting had to be quick and that she was only allowed to sign one item, as they had to start driving out to the next gig in about 2 hours. I was a little disappointed when I heard that, BUT I didn't care because I was going to finally be meeting my "idol" since I was a little girl. DeeAnn suggested that we wait to be the last in line, that way I could sit on the steps and wait (which was a great idea). But before you know it, it was time for us to start walking up the steps, towards her dressing room. There were about 6 people ahead of us and suddenly I saw her walk in front of the step area. I immediately squeezed the life out of poor DeeAnn's arm, because I had just seen her and it was really her. Olivia Newton-John was less than a foot away from me.

Finally, my turn had come. I stood there at the top step and just stared at her and could NOT stop smiling. She smiled at me and said, "Hi!! How are you?" and she held out her hand. I took her hand and said, "I'm very good now!" and everyone in the room laughed (it was her management team and that same bodyguard). I asked if she would sign my CD and as she asked my name, I was so happy that she spelled it right without even having to ask. She told me I had a beautiful name and proceeded to ask where I was from, how old I was, if I liked the show, etc. She was SO incrediably nice and I was surprisingly very relaxed. When we posed for our picture, she bent her knees just a bit, so we would be kind of close in height (she's actually only like 5'4") - so cute. After that, I told her that our birthday's are only 2 days apart and since hers is on the 26th of September (mine is on the 28th), I wanted to wish her a very happy early birthday. She thought that was very sweet and then wished me a happy birthday too. I said thank you and gave her a big hug (she gives amazing hugs).

I started to walk away and immediately thought to myself, "What are you doing?!?! Tell her everything!" So, I turned around and walked back over to her, she was looking at me and smiling. I proceeded to tell her about having CP, that she's been such an inspiration to me since I was 6 years old and told her all about how she would help me through surgery, therapy and everything else that happens in my life. While I was telling her everything, that's when the magnitude of the moment hit me and I started to cry. I couldn't believe that after 21 years, I was finally meeting her and telling her thank you face to face. As I was telling her everything, she was holding both of my hands and looking deep into my eyes with a smile on her face, and tears filling up her eyes. When I finally finished talking, she said to me "Tamara, you are the reason why I do what I do. Thank YOU for sharing your life with me, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. It was MY pleasure to meet YOU" and then she pulled me to her, giving me the most gentle and secure hug I have ever recieved. She gentlely pressed my face against her chest and just slowly rocked back and forth, like a mother does her child. I could hear her heart beating. And as always, she made me relax. I will remember that moment and feeling for the rest of my life. It was at that moment where I knew her and I formed a different kind of "bond" and ever since then, I was thought of her more as a mother figure, than my favorite singer. After standing there for a couple minutes, holding each other, she then took my face in her hands, smiled and said, "I hope those are happy tears?", to which I laughed and responded, "Yes they are happy tears!!" She laughed and said good and then it was DeeAnn's turn to meet her. But Olivia held onto my hand, as I walked over to lean against the wall. :) As DeeAnn was talking to Olivia, I was standing next to that MASSIVELY HUGE bodyguard. He looked down at me, grinned and said, "That was pretty cool huh?" and I looked up him and said, "Oh you have NO idea!!!".

Soon, DeeAnn's moment with her was done and it was time to leave. Olivia walked over to me, told me she loved me, gave me another big hug and squeezed my hand and we walked out of the room. As we were walking to the car, DeeAnn told me that when I was telling Olivia about my life, I had everyone in tears - including that bodyguard. When we got in the parking lot and knew no one was around, THAT was when we let it ALLLLLL OUT!!!! We hugged each other, hung on to each other and jumped up and down, screamed, cried... everything.

If I think about it hard enough, I can still feel her hand on my shoulder as we had our picture taken, when she held my hands and every time we hugged. I will treasure that moment for the rest of my life and will always be forever grateful to Olivia. She has always been and always will continue to be a very important and inspirational person in my life.

Adorable little tidbit: DeeAnn's then 7 year old daughter is a HUGE Grease fan and is named Olivia (after Olivia, actually). DeeAnn told Olivia about her and brought along Libby's Grease CD. Olivia signed it: "To Little Olivia, Love Big Olivia". I LOVE that. She is simply the sweetest person EVER.

I'm a UCPerson

On October 21st, 2008 I was finally able to meet the New Kids on the Block after 20 years and personally tell them thank you for everything they did for United Cerebral Palsy.

I never thought it could get any better.

I was wrong.

I have UCP's official MySpace page on my friend list (and also now on Facebook) and have corresponded with Will Hull, who runs both pages. He is the eCommunications/eDevelopment Specialist and eAdvocacy/eCommunications Coordinator for United Cerebral Palsy. So, shortly after I posted my blog on MySpace in October about my meeting with NKOTB and the whole history behind that, it was only natural for me to want him to read it.

However, his response was beyond anything I expected. He was so touched by my story, that he asked permission to "publish" it on their online journal, "UCPeople". I could not believe it... and I still can't. Next to meeting the New Kids and having that dream come true, this for me, is seriously just as important and special... if not more so. Being acknowledged by them like this, I can't even begin to express what I felt at that moment... and what I still feel.

I have been blessed in so many ways and once again, the New Kids on the Block have enriched my life. I am extremely grateful.

Since November, my story is now up at UCPeople - Journal for the UCP Community .

Will and I have continued to remain in touch and I am honored to call him my friend.

The Days of Yesterday

Last night my friend Kris and I were reminiscing about our high school teachers; those we liked and those we didn't (she and I went to junior high and high school together). Two of my favorites were my English Lit and American Lit and one I disliked was my Humanities instructor (all during my Senior year).

Soon my thoughts drifted back to what is probably my favorite school year: 8th grade. I went to Trinity Lutheran School in Faribault (MN) from K-8th grade. Trinity only goes up to 8th grade, then you're in the public school system. Now, just because it was a Lutheran school, doesn't mean we didn't do our share of pranks. Later we were told, we were one of the worst 8th grade classes ever (Is it wrong I feel a certain pride about that? Hmmm...)?

Let me shed a little light on my class. There were approximately 22 of us from kindergarten till our last year, so we really grew up with each other. We really were like a family. During our 8th grade year, we got a few new boys who transferred over from Peace Lutheran School (also in Faribault). I think a lot of us were nervous about the new kids on the block (no pun intended). We weren't sure if we'd like them, all that. You know how kids are. But really, they were great guys. One in particular was the main 'troublemaker/jokester': Jeremiah. And we all loved him. I think almost every girl in class had a crush on him at some point during the school year.

Anyways, once they joined, our class changed. Not just in class size. Not just in the ratio of boys vs. girls. But more importantly, we changed how we acted. Now, we didn't do things to every teacher we had. Only two: Mr. and Mrs. Phiffer. Well, we really didn't "do" anything to Mr. Phiffer, but we were always laughing at him during class. He made it so easy.

Mr. Phiffer was our school Principal and he sometimes would fill in and substitute. Mr. Phiffer (or "Cleatus Ruppert" as the boys so ‘lovingly’ called him - yes, that was his first and middle name) was rather short for a guy - maybe 5'6"-5'7", somewhere around there - and he had this weird habit of standing against the corner of the desk and well, "bouncing" (for lack of a better term and trust me, I don't like the visual either) up and down. His pants fit perfectly against the corner. He was just the right height. You get the picture. We don't know if he enjoyed it. We don't know if he even realized what he was doing. All we did know was there was know way we could concentrate and take him seriously. And we didn't. He never really taught us anything anyway; just "bounced" against the corner of the desk (which no one ever wanted to touch afterwards). I still laugh at the thought (and cringe at the same time).

His wife, on the other hand… oh the torment that woman would go through. She wasn’t a very nice woman and a horrible teacher. To this day I don’t understand how she got her “teaching” degree (or if she even had one). Anyways, I won’t get into all the things our class did - particularly the boys, us girls would sit back, laugh and enjoy the show. However, I will share this one time. In the corner of the back of the classroom were a couple baseball bats. One kid, Scott Rickels (a very tall and big guy, who was HILARIOUS), loved to torment her. She wouldn’t be paying any attention to what was going on by him, so he’d pick up the bat and “tiptoe” behind her, holding the bat above his head as if he was getting ready to just wail on her. We would just start lauuuuughing. She’d turn around and yell at him and he’d abruptly put the bat down and stand there looking “innocent”. The minute she turned the other direction, he’d be at it again. It was a daily occurrence and she fell for it every. single. time.

I could go on and on about those days. And not just my 8th grade year, but being at Trinity in general. Those were some of the best times of my life and I will never forget them.

"Searching For Myself"

I recently posted this on Facebook, but wanted to put it here on my new blog page because not everyone was able to read it there (due to not having Facebook, etc). This was originally posted on my MySpace blog in March of 2008.

Some of you may already know this about me, while many probably do not. I am adopted and was very fortunate to have met my birth mom Carla and her family in 1993. Being adopted isn't something I've ever been ashamed of; in fact I'm very open about it and answer any questions people may have if/when they find out.

Recently, people have been asking me questions about my adoption: how it came to be, why I was given up for adoption, how I met my birth mom, etc. Instead of typing it all out, I decided to post a story I wrote for my high school art and literary magazine called "Visions" (which I was also on the staff of) in 1993.

At the time of the printing, Carla and I had not met face-to-face yet. So, at the end of the story, I will post a bit of an update.

Here is the story from "Visions":

"Searching For MySelf"

I was in 9th grade when I decided to search for my birth mom. I remember it was a beautiful spring day in 1990. Although my mom was supportive of searching for my birth mom, we didn't know how cooperative my dad would be. We decided to deal with him after we found out what they had to say at Faribault Rice County Social Services.

My mom picked me up from school that day, and we headed for Social Services. We drove in silence the entire way, but I'm sure we were both thinking the same thing: What is going to happen? I was eager to find out.

When we finally got there, which seemed like an eternity, we nervously walked into the large, red brick building.

"Can we speak to someone in charge of adoption, please?" I asked the receptionist behind the counter. "That would be Phyllis Freeman. Is she expecting you?" I explained to her that my mother and I decided to do this at the last minute and that we had come straight from school. After the receptionist checked to make sure Phyllis was in, she told us to wait a few minutes. Those few minutes turned out to be closer to a half hour. We finally met Phyllis, and I thought she was a very nice woman; I could tell she was very caring and would help me.

After our introductions to each other, we walked into her office which was painted in soft pastel colors. She had an adorable painting of a newborn baby on the wall. After I explained to her that I was in search of my birth mom, she asked my age. I knew that I was underage; I was only 15 and the legal age is 18. She explained to me that since I was only 15, I would need written permission from both of my parents. Again, I began to worry about my dad.

After Phyllis answered some of my questions and we discussed the information I already knew from my biological fact sheet given to my parents from the adoption social worker in 1975, Phyllis explained the lengthy procedure adoption searches have to go through. It could take from three months to three years. And my birth mom might not want to have contact with me at all or may not even be alive; but I knew deep down inside she was alive and would not reject me.

At 5:30 p.m. that night, my dad came home from work. Both my mom and I were nervous about talking to him and getting his permission for my search. I knew this would be hard for him since I am "daddy's little girl," and the only child. We asked him to come downstairs with us where he sat in his favorite recliner. "Jim," my mom began, "Tamara and I went over to Social Services today after school."

My dad asked why we went over to Social Services, showing no interest. I looked nervously into his eyes but immediately looked down when I began to speak.

"I want to find my birth mom," I said quietly. "We went to Social Services to see if they can help me find her." I looked at my dad quickly and noticed he was staring blankly down at my feet.

The silence was unbearable. I was sure my parents could hear my heart pounding against my chest. My mom and I shifted in our seats as we waited for his response. He spoke in a shaky voice that I had only heard once before, and that was when he told me my grandpa had died. "Why do you want to find her? Is there a reason?" he asked.

Is there a reason?! I began to get angry with him as I spoke. "Yes, there's a reason! I want to find her. I want my questions answered. I need to do this, don't you understand?" Couldn't he see how important this was for me? This was my life we were talking about. My roots.

"No, I don't understand. Don't you love us anymore? You're not happy with us, and you're not happy living here, and you want to go live with her, is that it?" "No, Dad! I love you and Mom." By this time I was crying. "I just want to learn about myself. I have to do this." I looked at my did and saw a tear on his cheek. I went over and hugged him. "I love you, Dad. Please support me on this."

Finally, my dad cleared his throat. "Well, if this is what you want to do, I guess there' s nothing I can say about it. It looks like you've got your mind made up. What do I have to do?" My mom had the form there for him to sign. As he put his signature on the paper, I began to get very excited. I knew because of their signatures my life would change forever.

Three weeks later, I went out to the mailbox to get the mail like I usually did. After I opened the mailbox, I found a business-sized envelope addressed to me. My eyes immediately shifted to the return address on the envelope, and my heart started pounding against my chest. I stared at the return address and read it over and over in my mind. It was from Social Services. I walked slowly into the house and sat down at the kitchen table. I was in a daze. This was it, the information about my birth mom. My head began to spin, and my pulse raced as I nervously ripped open the envelope. I quickly read the memo written by Phyllis: "Dear Tamara, here is the letter and pictures of your birth mom. If you have any questions, you can contact me at..."

I couldn't believe it! My birth mom was alive and wrote to me! The first thing I did was take the pictures out and place them face down on the table; I wanted to save the best for last. My hands were cold and clammy and began to shake uncontrollably as I opened the letter. I began to cry as I read the opening, "My dear daughter...". It was strange reading the word "daughter." I began to realize how lucky I was. Most people have one mother to love and care for them; I have two.

As I read the letter, I began to see what a loving, caring woman she was and that she went through so much at a young age. After she gave birth to me, just two weeks before her 14th birthday (yes, she was 13 when she had me), she went to court several times to try and get full custody of me, but that didn' t work out because both the courts and her parents were completely against her keeping me. After that rejection, her life went to hell. A year after I was born she quit school, broke up with my birth father who was 19 at the time and moved away from home. Although she went through a lot of hard times, she kept telling me throughout the letter that she loved me very much and never regretted having me. One thing that surprised me as I read the letter was information about two half sisters and a half brother. I laughed as I read that because I'm an only child and never thought I'd have siblings; but always wanted them. The letter was signed, "With love and very special thoughts, Carla." Her name is Carla! As I carefully folded the letter wink dabbing my eyes with tissue, I glanced at the pictures lying face down on the table. I slowly turned over the Polaroid photographs, and then I stared at them in disbelief and began to cry all over again. She looked exactly like me! It was almost like looking in a mirror.

Carla and I have been writing to each other ever since. I've gotten more pictures of her and also of her parents, sisters, and my three half siblings. Our relationship is not the mother-daughter type really. Whenever I write to her, it's like sending a letter to friend—a pen-pal. Although we haven't met yet, we are in the process of scheduling a date through our social workers. I want her to come to my graduation, and both my social worker and parents think that would be very special for Carla.

When I think about meeting her, I'm excited, nervous and scared all rolled into one. I spent most of my first 15 years wondering about unanswered questions, and it took three weeks to get the answers. Not only was I searching for my birth mom, but I was also searching for myself. I know now that search hasn't ended; it is just beginning.

-----------

Now for the update:

Carla and I finally did meet on Nov. 12th, 1993 at Rice County Services - the same building that found her for me. My parents were there, along with her mother Jan and our social workers. My parents got along with Carla and her family very well; especially my mom. Carla and I spent a lot of time together getting to know each other, spent weekends together, etc. It was a very special time and one I will never take for granted.

This is the part I normally don't share with people (only a very select few), but I feel strong enough where I can now...

As you may (or may not) have noticed, my last paragraph was written in past tense. The reason for that is because Carla and I are no longer in contact. 3 1/2 years ago, Carla wrote me a letter saying she no longer wanted me in her life. She told me that we are two different people and that her life was going really well at the time, etc. Even though she still loves me and always will, she just couldn't handle our relationship anymore and decided it would be for the best if we no longer have communication and "move on". Her letter came as a complete and utter shock to me, just one week after my 30th birthday and one week before hers. I had no idea she felt this way. It had been a while since we had seen each other or spoken to each other, but I always just assumed that was because of the distance and our schedules. I didn't realize this was going on in her mind. Needless to say, I didn't even know how to feel after reading that; and by that I mean, I was a ball of every single emotion of you can possibly imagine: saddness, anger, shock... everything. It took her 14 years to figure out we're "two different people". After letting what I just read sink in, I started calling Carla's sisters (Sheila and Debi) and my brother (James - we call him Jamie) and sisters (Jessie and Jenny). All of them were as shocked as I was. None of them knew she had any intention of leaving me like this.

Immediately all of them were very concerned that I thought she was speaking on behalf of the entire family; and I knew she wasn't. I knew she was only talking about herself and being selfish. My Aunt Debi was afraid I felt like I was being "rejected" all over again; and I didn't. I never felt rejected from her at any point, because I always understood the circumstances as to why I was given up for adoption.

I sent Carla a Christmas card that year; my last. Inside it, I included a short letter acknowledging her letter to me. I took that moment to tell her exactly what I felt; the hurt, anger, shock... everything. I wanted her to know how much it affected me. I also told her that, if she would ever decide to come back into my life, I will always welcome her with open arms - although, it will take time for me to let my guard down with her. She deserved to know and I was not about to let her have the last word. I wanted to show her I will be ok, even though it will take some time.

Even though Carla and I are no longer in communcation, I still have a very good relationship with her sisters (Debi and Sheila), my siblings (Jessica, Jenny and Jamie) and some of my cousins (Jeremy and Denise) from her side of the family - especially Denise in particular (we all lost touch for a while - my siblings and cousins, but are back in communication and building relationships again); and for that I am very thankful. Sometimes things don't always work out the way you think they will. I never imagined my relationship with Carla would end this way and I'm still dealing with it. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will always love Carla and I will never hold hard feelings against her decision - no matter how much I disagree with it, no matter how hurt I may be at times and don't understand it; I will always respect it.

I realize I'm sharing a lot and really putting myself out there; but writing and sharing has always been very theraputic for me and although my way of healing may be different from another's, it's mine and it works for me. That said, that doesn't mean it was an easy decision. However, I am happy to have written this blog and sharing this big part of me. If it helps people understand me more, then that makes it all worth it.

To Blog or Not To Blog...

...That is the question.

And I guess I have the answer. "Why not."

This is my first official "blog". I've been debating if I wanted to do this or not. Sure, I've posted blogs on MySpace and even posted a few "notes" over on Facebook every now and then, but this is different. This site is basically a journal and honestly, it's been a while since I've kept a journal. But I think now is as good a time as any, to start up again.

I've been going through a lot in my life recently and it's really made me get back into writing... or at least have serious yearnings to write. I think this is going to be very theraputic for me. We'll see what happens. God only knows the things that pop into my head lol, mostly random thoughts, songs and everything in between... so it should be interesting.

Read at your own risk lol.